Herbivorous

Reading a biography of Marie Curie right now.

Apparently, Curie and her husband created their own vacuum chambers for early experiments. Out of discarded plywood.

Damn.

Shamelessly stolen (and modified) from buffaloresearch.com, but funny nonetheless:

Three newly-married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Nashville and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Miami. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Chicago. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

Spotted that in the background of a User Friendly cartoon strip.


...

...

...I think I am a combat botanist.

Hi all! I'm thinking that the best possible Halloween costume for me would be a Valkyrie. Thoughts?

Our dog continues to be awesome. However, there is one odd thing about him. He won't do tricks. Attempting to teach him tricks results in a sad, confused dog, quivering next to the refrigerator. (I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the red-hot pokers or rotating knives we employ as training aids, though.)

As you can see from this picture, even something extremely simple, like "Wear this hat and I'll give you a treat" is greeted with baffled fear.

As near as I can tell, he just doesn't get it. I've long had dogs that could pick up tricks nearly instantaneously--show 'em what you want a couple of times, make sure they understand that Food Will Result, and bam--you've taught a dog a trick.

But as easily as Twinkie learned basic obedience stuff (Come, sit, stay, lie down, leave it, yadda yadda), he's totally got a Cute Trick Learning Disability. Near as I can tell, it's because he doesn't get the point. You want him to come to you? Okay, he gets it. That makes sense. Sit down? Likewise. He'll sit until the next Ice Age if you ask him to. But hold still while you put a silly hat on his head? WHY WHY WHY DOES NOT COMPUTE, and then he vapor locks. And when Twinkie vapor locks, he defaults into THEY ARE GOING TO BEAT ME, and it's really hard to get enthusiastic for teaching your dog "shake" when it makes him tuck his tail between his legs and quiver like he's expecting you to pull out the leather belt at any second.

So, we're going to stick to "Stay". Good enough trick for me.

Made beer last night. Hopefully it will turn out better than the ginger beer we attempted during the winter (Hint: Go with your instincts. For the first batch, I did not get lager yeast, as I'd planned, because the guy at the brewing place talked me out of it. Well, guess what? It was WAY too cold, it didn't brew right, and when we finally got it fermented it over-fermented and turned into flavorless mush. Yuck.)

So anyway. My sister said she had a patch of nettles in her yard, and I was all "Yay! Nettle beer! Always wanted to make that!" Except that it wasn't a very large patch. It was, in fact, like five plants.

Oh well. Good for her; one doesn't want a huge freakin' patch of nettles in one's urban backyard; slightly less good for the prospects of nettle beer. Recipe to follow ( Read more... )

You know, I still think that "Please could you stop the noise/I'm trying to get some rest/From all the unborn chicken voices in my head" is still one of the most subtly disturbing lyrics ever....

Patsy Cline has an amazing voice.

That is all.

Did it not turn Spring EIGHT DAYS AGO??? Yes? Then WHY THE HOLY HELL DID WE JUST GET A FREAKING SNOWSTORM?

Goddamnit.

Stupid Midwestern weather.

I swear, I'm gonna move to San Jose.

If you haven't wasted time by going through the videos at willitblend.com, then by George, you have not experienced the power of the Internet.

I'm not sure what was better--the twelve glowsticks, the rare earth magnets, or the pickled pigs' feet. The latter video produced what can only be called a "slurry", and yes, someone DID consume it.

The best part, of course, is Tom, the narrator, who is clearly a geek of the highest caliber and stands there, cool and collected, blending cellphones with the utter aplomb and assurance of one who knows that he is indeed selling a superior product.

Hell, if I had $400, I'd totally get one of those blenders.

You should watch.

If you are my friend, or possibly related to me, you have to watch this video.

IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. This is my rant, except I suck worse at the guitar. It also explains why I hate almost every one of those songs, too, which I hadn't quite figured out until he put it together so succintly:



Favorite quotes: "It sucks to be a kid that plays the cello, because it is impossible to be cool when you play an instrument that is bigger than you are" and "The second violins get lovely melodies, which should just not happen...."

We interred Japanese citizens during WWII.

It was wrong.

They lived in camps, but the kids were schooled and were able to create a yearbook.

Compare this to Guantanamo and waterboarding. Discuss.

You know what would be really awesome? If I could tie-dye my cat. I mean, obviously I can't, as I'm fairly certain that bleaching him and then wrapping up his pelt into small rubberbanded bundles would break some laws, at least outside of Louisiana, but would that not be awesome, especially at parties? You could wait until everyone was really drunk, and then let him out of your bedroom, and everyone would be all, DUDE IS THAT CAT RAINBOW COLORED OR AM I JUST REALLY DRUNK???

Like many Americans, I find myself at home tonight, covered in glitter and so mentally exhausted that I find myself lying next to my cat, maniacally giggling as I thump him on the very end of his nose.

(For all of you animal rights types who are winding up to shriek "HOW CRUEL!!!!", keep in mind that this is an old and venerable game between the two of us, and if it really bothered the damn cat, he could get up and walk away, as he is in no way restrained. For what it's worth, I believe he enjoys the game, for the rule is that if he can see the nose thump coming, he can use his catlike reflexes to bite the end of my finger instead. We can spend hours this way, he and I. It's like interspecies chess.)

I am covered in glitter, as some of you may have guessed, because I am unfortunately part of the Retail Sector, and in the Retail Sector you don't so much celebrate the holidays as you are violated by a giant Holiday Truncheon consisting of equal parts misbegotten holiday promotionals, evil-tempered shoplifters, and a deep and abiding hatred for Christmas carols that sets in about November 28th, leaving you with almost an entire month in which to engage in elaborate mental fantasies involving a Santa hat and a clocktower. Please allow me a moment in which to reflect upon the year that I spent working in a small retail establishment in a large mall whose entrance was very unfortunately situated directly beneath one of the Musak loudspeakers. Did you know that they turn up the volume during December to allow shoppers greater musical enjoyment? Did you also know that the carols you are hearing are a fifteen-song loop that is played around the clock? Reflect, for a moment, what this is like when you are trapped in what is effectively a small white box lined with Holiday Cheer for ten hours at a stretch. (The specific glitter this years is from yet another batch of poorly constructed holiday ornaments, but that's neither here nor there, just emblematic of the overall rot that has taken root in society.)

In many ways, the type of employment that I've had to take to support my Starving Artist-level vocation has meant that almost every holiday has been utterly destroyed for me on some level. Mothers Day? Not only did I get to spend it thousands of miles away from my own mother, but I believe that there is a special circle of Hell reserved to those that are waiters. If there is any justice in the universe, they are forced to relive the following scenario, Groundhog Day-style, for eternity: Waiting tables for an endless Mothers Day Brunch, full of grim and cheerless people who only take Mom out this one Sunday out of obligation, too cheap to tip and far too nasty to enjoy their time out, who take pleasure in sending food back for vague, poorly defined reasons or even just because "they've changed their mind", without a break, in an understaffed Holiday Inn restaurant. Do NOT get me started about Valentine's Day.

My sister sent this. I have no idea where it came from, but all I have to say is, "Yup. Pretty much":

Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will benefit the nation, and especially the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly:
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that New California will be pro-choice and anti- war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight your wars, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We also get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you people have higher morals then we lefties.
Peace out,
–Blue States

Some poor bunch of mint farmers might lose the family farm that's been in their hands since 1912. That SUCKS. IT JUST FUCKING SUCKS. If you use any essential oils at all (and these would be appropriate for just about any use--flavoring/culinary, medicinal, aroma, etc.), you should go buy some mint oil from these fine folks:

https://www.getmint.com/index.cfm

But seriously: This is funny. Potentially NSFW, tho.

http://www.spike.com/video/pg-porn-pg-porn/3041858

THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL!!!! SQUEEEEE!

http://www.sciencentral.com/video/2008/08/21/street-corner-science-with-leon-lederman/

I miss you, Utah Phillips.